Expectations Are Killing Us

Oh boy, this is a difficult topic. I have even had therapists push back on me for saying this, so feel free to disagree. But in my experience, the majority of problems I see in relationships are not about love being absent, but about expectations not being fulfilled.

I hear it all the time: “He doesn’t take the garbage out.” “She won’t have sex with me.” “He doesn’t communicate with me.” “She doesn’t do her share of the work.” “They spend too much money.” And then there are the self-directed versions: “I didn’t do enough.” “I should have tried harder.”

We seem to be experts in beating ourselves up or beating others up because reality did not line up with the way we thought it should go.

Expectations often keep us living in the past, where we dwell on what did not happen, or in the future, where we script out how things should unfold. In the process, we miss the present moment and the actual relationship in front of us.

I am not saying that desire is bad. It is natural to want connection, intimacy, or shared responsibility. But there is a difference between having desires and creating rigid expectations that we or others must meet. When expectations harden into demands, suffering is close behind.

Take a simple example: imagine someone who is claustrophobic but feels ashamed for not going caving with friends. The expectation is that they “should” be able to do it. When they cannot, they beat themselves up, even though the expectation ignores their actual nervous system reality. Or think about a partner who longs for frequent hugs, but their spouse grew up in a family where hugging was rare and uncomfortable. One keeps reaching for touch, the other resists, and both feel rejected. Meanwhile, the partner who resists may value acts like taking out the garbage as a sign of care, but that goes unseen. Expectations collide, neither is met, and both partners feel worse about themselves.

This circular trap keeps people stuck.

Each person clings to their expectation, waiting for the other to deliver. When it doesn’t happen, resentment grows. The nervous system interprets unmet expectations as threats, flipping into fight, flight, or shutdown. Arguments erupt, walls go up, or silence takes over.

To make matters more confusing, our culture often reinforces the belief that all of our needs are supposed to be met by our partner. Many self-help books suggest that if your needs are not being fulfilled, you should find someone else who will meet them. There is some truth here. If a particular desire or value is so central that it defines your sense of well-being, it may be necessary to seek a relationship that honors it. But I have also seen many relationships end because expectations were not met in ways that might have been workable with greater awareness and regulation.

So what is the alternative?

From a nervous system and relational perspective, the first step is to notice what unmet expectations feel like in the body. Do you tense up when you think, “She never listens”? Do you shut down when you tell yourself, “I should have done more”? These are signals that your nervous system has moved into distress. The key is not to push the feeling away or double down on blame, but to pause, regulate, and allow yourself to feel the disappointment or loss underneath.

This does not mean lowering all standards or silencing desires. It means getting clear on what expectations are flexible and which ones are deal-breakers. It also means looking honestly at who you are in relationship with. Are they capable of meeting the expectation? Is the expectation realistic for who they are, not just who you wish they could be?

When we loosen our grip on rigid expectations, we make room to see our partners and ourselves as we truly are.

This creates space for compassion and choice rather than endless cycles of resentment. Sometimes that choice means accepting differences and finding other ways to feel connected. Sometimes it means having hard conversations about what is truly non-negotiable. And sometimes it does mean letting go of a relationship that cannot support your deeper needs.

Expectations are powerful because they tie directly into nervous system states. When they are not met, our bodies respond as if survival is at stake. Learning how to regulate, to feel the disappointment, and to step back from the story of “should” allows us to engage with others from steadiness rather than desperation.

Expectations will always be part of human life, but when they become rigid demands, they erode connection and fuel suffering.

The more we can bring awareness to them, regulate our systems, and approach relationships with honesty and compassion, the more freedom we find. And with freedom comes the possibility of relating from presence, not pressure.